Tales of the Parodyverse

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Nitz the Bloody
Fri Sep 17, 2004 at 01:28:58 am EDT
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Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #13; Battles and Finals, Finals and Battles
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Notice; some of the dialogue and actions in this may seem misogynistic towards women. I intended to show how much of a bastard the villain ( Adversarius ) was through this, and I in no way, shape, or form condone his actions. If you are offended, I apologize in advance.

Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #13
By Neil Kapit

“ So, Nitz! We meet again! “

” Guess we do. Figures if I tracked the news long enough, I’d find you. “

“ I will crush you! I am the Iron Centurion! I AM A STATE-OF-THE-ART FIGHTING MACHINE! “

“ Yeah, yeah, yeah. OVERRIDEKU! “

One word, and Nitz’s mind is flooded. Binary streams through his brain. Lists of commands line the corners of his mind. He feels two places at once; inside his own body, and inside the Centurion.

“ Stop! “ Nitz yells. The Centurion remains completely motionless.

” What is this! “ the Centurion screams. “ I cannot move! What have you done to me! I will break you for this! “

“ Now, walk over here. “ Nitz cracks the first smile in many days as the large blue robot slowly paces towards him.

“ I will break you! I will beat you! I will make a towel out of you! “

“ Now, tell me where Joan is. “

” I will break....she is in my master’s lair, underneath Parodopolis Sound. She came there with me under her own free will. “

Nitz doesn’t believe that for a second, but he continues talking. “ Good boy, “ he continues, “ Now take me there. “

The robot grabs Nitz in its arms and flies off through the air via rockets in the soles of its feet.

” You will pay for this, Nitz the Bloody! “ It hollers.

“ Yeah, yeah. Now shut up and accelerate. “

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“ You certainly do not know how to treat a woman, Adversarius. “

” So I’ve heard. Now sit still and shut up. This’ll only take a second. “

Joan lies on a table, on her back, chains of energy surrounding her wrist, neck, waist, and ankles. She tries to contract herself, to liquify her body and slither out, but the chains follow her movement. Whatever size and shape she chooses, the chains adapt to it.

“ What is this for, “ she asks. “ Do you have a problem with strong, independent women? “

” Insolent tone. I certainly DON’T like that in a girl. “ Adversarius sits in his hover-chair, floating next to the table. He types some commands on a keyboard. A floating sphere is released from the ceiling, and descends down to Joan’s forhead. It reshapes itself into a drill, pointed at her head. Joan keeps struggling.

Then, in an instant, Joan stops. She completely solidifies and freezes. Her eyes go blank.

“ What are you doing, XJ5, “ Adversarius inquires. “ Aren’t you going to fight? Or are you finally getting the message. “

” INCINEREKU!!

Adversarius’ chair combusts, and he ejects from the seat on a jet lodged in the base of his spine. His trajectory is focused downwards, and he falls on his face. He looks up to see a leather-clad young man with a mace, 5’ 8” and 110 pounds of pissed off Priest of Zeku. The Centurion stands behind him.

“ You. Metal implanted douche. Release Joan. “ he snarls.

Adversarius gets to his feet. “ My name is ADVERSARIUS, “ he growls. “ Treat your arch-nemesis with more respect. “

” I’ve never even met you, @$$hole. All I know is that I you have something I want. I want her BACK. “

” And if I don’t give it to you? “

“ SHOCKEKU! “

Nitz tries to summon a bolt of lightning to strike Adversarius down, but the cybernetically enhanced man is surrounded by a translucent green shield that deflects it. Nitz is left as shocked as he intended Adversarius to be.

“ Magic-resistance, buddy, “ Adversarius chuckles. “ Everything on Earth is a science, even your fairy tricks. I learned how to absorb it. “

“ And now, “ he says, as a large mechanical walking machine ascends from the floor, under his feet .“ I’d like you to meet the BFC. Big. @#$%ing. Centurion. “ Adversarius stands still, and the components wrap around him. Every part of him except his head is encased in large, black metal. His arms and boots are especially large, and studded with several spikes.

“ I will kill you if I have to, “ Nitz states dramatically.

“ No you won’t. You’re a pussy, like all you heroes. If you weren’t, I might not be here. But I can take relief in that you always wuss out at the final moments. “

” HAILEKU! “ A shower of icy spikes rains on the machine, only to be reflected by the same green shield.

“ Forgot to mention, “ Adversarius laughs, “ BFC’s magic-proof too. Now, let’s dance. “

The BFC throws a giant metal punch. Nitz barely dodges, only a foot away from losing his head. He swings his cudgel and tries to dent the machine. The machine swats him across the room; he shouts “ Barriereku “ right before he hits one of the steel walls, making him a bit dizzy and stunned instead of making him a greasy stain.

Nitz sees the BFC approaching him and freezes with shock. He holds his cudgel for dear life, gripping it so far his hands practically bleed. He wonders what can be done to save his own life, until he realizes that he is still in control of the Centurion. He shouts, “ Attack! “ and the blue robot rushes over to the black one and punches it in the midsection. The BFC staggers, but returns to his feet.

“ Nice trick, “ Adversarius chuckles, and then hits the Centurion with a fierce right cross. The robot shakes, but Nitz screams “ Accelereku “ and Centurion is back on its feet, processing faster than ever. It hammers the BFC with its fist, and kicks it in the groin. The larger, darker robot tries to swing at it, blast it with laser beams, hit it with homing missiles, but it moves too fast. The Centurion responds with a volley of grenades. The BFC cracks and strains.

Adversarius, getting incredibly incensed, puts the BFC’s two fists together and forms a large cannon. It is aimed at Nitz, and is about to fire, but the Centurion grabs Nitz and flies him to safety. Still holding Nitz, the Centurion hits the BFC again, and is about to strike Adversarius’ unprotected head with a strong chop, until it suddenly stops moving. It is surrounded with energy chains neither it or Nitz can break. As is the BFC.

“ Down, boys. “ Joan’s voice shouts.

“ I have hacked into the laboratory’s central computer. I am in control of every last chip in this entire stronghold. I will have no more childish fighting in my name. “

“ Joan! “ Nitz demands, “ Are you alright?! “

“ You total b*tch “, Adversarius screams, “ How could you! “

” Shut up and let the woman talk! “, Nitz replies.

” I am fine physically. But I am not happy. I do not like being used, and I do not like being treated as property. Throughout the past couple months people have tried to claim me, tried to use me for their own purposes. I have tolerated this, and even taken joy in fulfilling my duties to both sides. I will no more. “

Joan walks over to the two shackled young men. “ Adversarius, “ she sharply states, “ I am your creation, but I am not your slave. I have my own conscience, and I will do what I think is right, not follow your orders. “

“ Yeah, “ Nitz retorts, “ You suck, Adversarius. “

Joan turns to her lover. “ And Nitz, “ she says, “ I do not wish to marry you. I am not your sexbot, I do not exist purely for you. I do not want an empty life as your housewife, as your unwavering, unquestioning support. I am my own woman and I wish to lead my own life. “

” We can work this out, “ Nitz shouts. “ We can work all our issues out! “

” Burned, “ Adversarius chuckles.

“ There is nothing to work out. I used to be a co-dependent organism, relying on others for guidance, for support. Now I have evolved. I wish to travel the world on my own. I wish to be independent from everyone, and take in all this planet has to offer. “

” And furthermore......AAAAAAAAGGHH! “ Joan starts screaming in a hauntingly organic voice. She falls to the floor. Her control over her nanotech motors loosens, and she starts to melt into slag.

“ Joan! “ Nitz screams, seeing a green beam broadcasting from Adversarius’ eyes. “ Adversarius, what are you doing! “

“ Adversarius virus! “ the cybernetic man laughs. “ Beamed right into your CPU! The ultimate weapons against computers! Think of it as Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, and Huntington’s all rolled into one, sped up by infinity! “

“ Now, “ he says, regaining control of his laboratory and dissipating the energy chains, “ Let’s get back to busines... “ he turns to Nitz, who is turning his back to Adversarius. “ Nitz? You there? “

” Terminateku. “ he whispers.

“ What? “

” TERMINATEKU!!!! “ Nitz screams with all the force his lungs can muster. Adversarius starts laughing, thinking his magic resistant plating will protect him.

He’s wrong. In an instant’s notice, he starts to feel light-headed. He falls to sleep, and then all his biological processes cease. He is completely inert, and falls to the floor. All that’s left of him is an empty body encased in black steel. Nitz ignores him and rushes over to the dissolving Joan. He kneels down by her side.

“ Joan, “ he solemnly says, “ I did it. I killed my first person. I didn’t want use it, I didn’t want to use my death spells, but when he started hurting you, I couldn’t stop myself.....Joan, are you okay? “

Sparks fly from the melting metal body of Joan. “ All systems crashing....all data deleted....power supplies draining....I fear I have met my final fate... “

” Centurion! “ Nitz screams, “ Fix her! “

” She is beyond my technology, “ the Centurion yells. “ I will still crush you! “

” Nitz, “ Joan meekly asks, “ Where do robots go when they expire? “

Tears stream from Nitz’s face. “ They go to Robot Heaven, “ he cries. “ They go to a field of power strips, where the electrical current flows like wine and data processing occurs without any loading times. They go....they go....oh God, Joan, Please don’t die! Please hold on! “

” I...cannot... “ Joan states. “ But do not fear.....you have learned much from me....as I have from you....you will be a better man..... for having met me.... “

” No I won’t, “ Nitz sobs. “ I’m nothing without you. Please hold on, Joan. Please don’t do this to me.... “

“ Goodbye....Nitz the Bloody....good bye....my friend.... “

With that, her eyes go dark, and she completely melts into a puddle. There is nothing left of Joan but a stain on the metal floor, and the pebble from Antarctica that Nitz gave her. Nitz looks at this pebble, thinking of things that once were and things that will never be again.

NEXT: Nitz comes to grips with Joan’s demise.


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